The Mandatory Orgasm
  November 2010 Newsletter Volume 2, Issue 11  

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Welcome to my November Newsletter!

It's the end of Daylight Savings Time – one more hour to sleep in!

This month’s article discusses sexual self-esteem. I will list some ways to nurture healthy self-esteem. This month’s question asks why some men who appear to have high self-esteem are violent.
Let's Talk!
 Think You’re Worth It?

There are countless books on self-improvement at your local bookstore. From losing weight, to how to better one’s finances, there are endless subjects to explore and a lot of money to be made by self-help gurus.

Self-esteem is one of those subjects that is often discussed. Although most people use that term, it is not very well understood. More specifically how does self-esteem affect our sex life?

The American psychotherapist Dr. Nathaniel Branden defines self-esteem as “…the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness”. This definition touches on two important points of self-esteem – first, knowing that you can rise above the difficulties of day-to-day existence; second, that you deserve to be happy.

According to Branden, self-esteem is a basic human need essential to healthy self-development. Our actions and successes feed our self-esteem. Therefore, “feeling good” about ourselves depends upon our sound choices and behaviours. In short, self-esteem is a stable component in the background of our thoughts, feelings, and actions.

The building of self-worth starts in childhood and is significantly influenced by the parenting style we received. Psychologist Dr. Laurence Steinberg states that authoritative parenting (i.e., clear and directive parenting with a high degree of warmth) tends to build high self-esteem in children. Permissive parenting can lead to lack of self-control in adulthood, while cold authoritarian parenting may lower self-worth.

Sexual self-esteem is a separate concept that contributes to general self-esteem. In other words, you can overall feel worthy, but have insecurities specifically about your sex life. The American psychiatrist Dr. Paula Zeanah, defines sexual self-esteem as “(one’s) affective reactions to (their) subjective appraisal of (their) sexual thoughts, feelings, and behaviours”.

People with high sexual self-esteem tend to freely talk about sex with their partners, are proactive about contraception and safer sex practices. Also, these same individuals accept themselves as sexual beings and report higher levels of relationship and sexual satisfaction.

There are gender differences in the development of sexual self-esteem. Girls tend to have lower sexual self-esteem at the beginning of puberty. In present North American society, a woman’s worth is often linked to her sexual attractiveness and youth. These unrealistic expectations may have a negative effect on women’s overall self-esteem and in particular sexual self-esteem.

Although sex is highly promoted in our society, there is still a double standard when it comes to judging appropriate behaviour for a woman versus a man. In other words, the implicit slut/stud message is persistent.

There's not a direct link between the number of sexual partners someone has and high sexual self-esteem.  The key factor may be the quality of the emotional/spiritual bond between two individuals.

From what I have observed, young women who have multiple casual sex partners tend to have lower self-worth. Since it is much easier for a woman to attract sexual partners, there is no real achievement in convincing a man to engage in casual sex. Sex is often used to prevent true intimacy, which would require real emotional involvement.

Boys also face the challenge of measuring up to the image of “macho stud” when they reach puberty. As most women will attest, the vast majority of male teenagers and men know very little about sexual health matters. Young men can feel insecure about their sexual performance and have low sexual self-esteem. Contrary to their female counterparts, boys who have many casual sex partners don’t tend to as afflicted by low sexual self-esteem.

The many terms used by the self-help movement in North America can be confusing to people. The concept of self-esteem is often misunderstood. Sexual self-esteem is distinct from general self-worth and yet supports it. Self-esteem and its subcategories (i.e., sexual self-esteem) are the backbone that allows us to grow as individuals and healthy sexual beings.
Until the next issue, 
J.Q. Macéus
Literary Truths
 Here are ways to nurture healthy self-esteem:
  • Make important decisions: Don’t let other people decide for you - trust your own judgment.
  • Limit negative power from your friends/family: You can admit areas where you need improvement to people close to you, but you are more than your “flaws”.
  • Control your self-talk: Pay attention to what you say to yourself. Positive self-talk leads to positive emotions and actions.
  • Stop comparing yourself to others: We all have different abilities, strengths and weaknesses. Use your energy to focus on being the best you can be.
  • Surround yourself with positive people: The individuals with whom you spend most of your time will have a long-term impact on your ability to stay positive and reach your goals.
  • Revisit your “failures”: There are no failures in life as long as you have learned the lesson. You are now better equipped to face similar challenges in the future.
Truth in Motion

                             Self-Esteem & Self-Compassion
You Wanted to Know...
Why some men who appear to have high self-esteem are violent?

Men who have earned high academic levels but were unable to move forward in their careers tend to be exceptionally violent. In present North American society, men are still judged more for their career achievements than for their inner qualities as human beings (i.e., kindness and compassion).

These men’s perceived inner self-worth does not match their outer self-worth, and this intense frustration/helplessness often translates into violent acts. By contrast, poorly educated men who have thriving careers are six times less likely than the average man to be violent.
Now For Something Completely Different
In 2009, the American scientist Dr. Michio Kaku created Toyota’s first brain-controlled wheelchair. The person in the wheelchair wears an electrode-filled helmet with brain movement sensors that learn the thought patterns of the person. In turn, these patterns are translated into wheelchair movements.

For more information click on this link:
Genuine Laugh
Branden, Nathaniel. The Psychology of Romantic Love. New York: Penguin Group, 2008.

Career Counseling: Improving Self-Esteem


Dawson, Laura H., et al. "Reasons why adolescents and young adults have sex: associations with psychological characteristics and sexual behavior." The Journal of Sex Research 45.3 (2008): 225.

Ionescu, Simona, Sorinel Voicu, and Andreea Ulmeanu. "The relationship between self esteem and physical exercise in women sports practice." Ovidius University Annals, Series Physical Education and Sport/Science, Movement and Health 10.2 (2010): 246.

Koyuncu, Mehmet, et al. "Body image satisfaction and dissatisfaction, social physique anxiety, self-esteem, and body fat ratio in female exercisers and nonexercisers." Social Behavior and Personality: an international journal 38.4 (2010): 561.

Oattes, Melanie Kristel, and Alia Offman. "Global self-esteem and sexual self-esteem as predictors of sexual communication in intimate relationships.(Report)." The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 16.3-4 (2007): 89.

Patock-Peckham, Julie A., and Antonio A. Morgan-Lopez. "Mediational links among parenting styles, perceptions of parental confidence, self-esteem, and depression on alcohol-related problems in emerging adulthood." Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs 70.2 (2009): 215.

Rostosky, Sharon Scales, et al. "Sexual self-concept and sexual self-efficacy in adolescents: a possible clue to promoting sexual health?" The Journal of Sex Research 45.3 (2008): 277.

Self-Esteem: How Much Are You Worth
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Volume 2 - Issue 12: TMO December Newsletter - Blood Is Thicker than Water?
Volume 2 - Issue 11: TMO November Newsletter - Think You're Worth It?
Volume 2 - Issue 10: TMO October Newsletter - HIV=AIDS?
Volume 2 - issue 9: TMO September Newsletter - He's Just NOT that Into You
Volume 2 - Issue 8: TMO August Newsletter - Dangerous Sugar High
Volume 2 - Issue 7: TMO July Newsletter - Multiple Ooooh's
Volume 2 - Issue 6: TMO June Newsletter - Older & Inflamed
Volume 2 - Issue 5: TMO May Newsletter - Breast Cancer - The Number Two Killer
Volume 2 - Issue 4: TMO April Newsletter - Erotica Versus Pornography
Volume 2 - Issue 3: TMO March Newsletter - Sex Toys Are Us
Volume 2 - Issue 2: TMO February Newsletter - Happily Ever After
Volume 2 - Issue 1: TMO January Newsletter - Change or Transformation?
Volume 1 - Issue 16: TMO December Newsletter - Do You Know Your IUDs?
Volume 1 - Issue 15: TMO November Newsletter - Thank You for NOT Smoking
Volume 1 - Issue 14: TMO October Newsletter - Your Erogenous Zones
Volume 1 - Issue 13: TMO September Newsletter - Bloody Mary!
Volume 1 - Issue 12: TMO August Newsletter - The First Time
Volume 1 - Issue 11: TMO June Newsletter - A Touchy Testicular Problem
Volume 1 - Issue 10: TMO June Newsletter - When Sperm Count
Volume 1 - Issue 9: TMO May Newsletter - PMS: You Are NOT Crazy
Volume 1 - Issue 8: TMO May Newsletter - More than a Pill
Volume 1 - Issue 7: TMO April Newsletter - Men Like It Harder
Volume 1 - Issue 6: TMO April Newsletter - Intimacy and Sweatpants
Volume 1 - Issue 5: TMO March Newsletter - Please Dump the Frog!
Volume 1 - Issue 4: TMO March Newsletter - HP What?
Volume 1 - Issue 3: TMO February Newsletter - To Fake It or Not to Fake It?
Volume 1 - Issue 2: TMO February Newsletter - Valentine's Day
Volume 1 - Issue 1: TMO January Newsletter - Truths Behind New Year's Resolutions